Anger Management

 

The Nature of Anger

Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a cancelled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behaviour, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Why Are Some People Angrier Than Others?

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people are more "hot headed" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. Some don’t show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? Several things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Some books and courses can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

• Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and, understandably, I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This!&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

"Silly humour" can help defuse rage in several ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury, and humour can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humour. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humour; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Well-managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes. On the other hand, anger is a powerful emotion and if it isn’t handled appropriately, it may have destructive results for you and those closest to you. Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm. 

Physical effects of anger

Anger triggers the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response. Other emotions that trigger this response include fear, excitement and anxiety. The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires. The mind is sharpened and focused.

Health problems with anger

The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that go with ongoing unmanaged anger can eventually cause harm to many different systems of the body.

 

Some of the short and long-term health problems that have been linked to unmanaged anger include:

• headache

• digestion problems, such as abdominal pain

• insomnia

• increased anxiety 

• depression

• high blood pressure

• skin problems, such as eczema

• heart attack

• stroke.

Expressing anger in healthy ways

Suggestions on how to express your anger in healthy ways include:

• If you feel out of control, walk away from the situation temporarily, until you cool down.

• Recognise and accept the emotion as normal and part of life.

• Try to pinpoint the exact reasons why you feel angry.

• Once you have identified the problem, consider coming up with different strategies for how to remedy the situation.

• Do something physical, such as going for a run or playing sport.

• Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling.

Unhelpful ways to deal with anger

Many people express their anger in inappropriate and harmful ways, including:

• anger explosions – some people have very little control over their anger and tend to explode in rages. Raging anger may lead to physical abuse or violence. A person who doesn’t control their temper can isolate themselves from family and friends. Some people who fly into rages have low self-esteem, and use their anger as a way to manipulate others and feel powerful. For more information, see ‘What is domestic violence’ on the White Ribbon Australia website

• anger repression – some people consider that anger is an inappropriate or ‘bad’ emotion and choose to suppress it. However, bottled anger often turns into depression and anxiety. Some people vent their bottled anger at innocent parties, such as children or pets. 

Dealing with arguments

When you have argued, it is easy to stay angry or upset with the other person. If you don't resolve an argument with a person you see often, it can be a very uncomfortable experience.

Talking to the person about your disagreement may or may not help. If you do approach them, make sure it is helpfully. Stay calm and communicate openly and honestly.

If the person could be violent or abusive, it may be best not to approach them directly. You could talk to them over the phone to see if they are open to finding a solution to the argument if you feel safe to do so. It might be helpful to ask someone to be there with you, to give you support when you make the call and afterwards.

Try and tell the person how you feel as a result of their opinion, but avoid trying to tell them how they feel. It is possible to agree to disagree. You may need someone else to help you resolve the disagreement. You could ask a trusted third person to act as a go-between and help you both get another view on the argument. 

Reasons for dealing with arguments

There are good reasons for dealing with arguments, including:

• It will give you a sense of achievement and make you feel more positive.

• You may feel more relaxed, healthier and more able to get a good night's sleep.

• You may develop stronger relationships.

• You may feel happier.

Suggestions for long-term anger management

The way you typically express anger may take some time to modify. Suggestions include:

• Keep a diary of your anger outbursts, to try and understand how and why you get mad. 

• Consider assertiveness training, or learning about techniques of conflict resolution.

• Learn relaxation techniques, such as meditation or yoga.

• See a counsellor or psychologist if you still feel angry about events that occurred in your past.

• Exercise regularly.

Benefits of regular exercise in mood management

People who are stressed are more likely to experience anger. Numerous worldwide studies have documented that regular exercise can improve mood and reduce stress levels. This may be because physical exertion burns up stress chemicals, and it also boosts the production of mood-regulating neurotransmitters in the brain, including endorphins and catecholamines.

Teaching children how to express anger

Expressing anger appropriately is a learned behaviour. Suggestions on helping your child to deal with strong feelings include:

• Lead by example.

• Let them know that anger is natural and should be expressed appropriately.

• Treat your child’s feelings with respect.

• Teach practical problem-solving skills.

• Encourage open and honest communication in the home.

• Allow them to express their anger in inappropriate ways.

• Explain the difference between aggression and anger.

• Have consequences for aggression or violence, but not appropriately expressed anger.

• Teach your child different ways of calming and soothing themselves.

 

Why do I feel angry?

Anger can be our way of expressing or responding to a range of other feelings, like:

• frustration
  
  

• embarrassment or humiliation
  
  

• guilt or shame
  
  

• jealousy
  
  

• hurt or sadness
  
  

• feeling unable to control a situation
  
  

• feeling threatened or frightened
  
  

• feeling unfairly treated
  
  

• feeling misunderstood or not listened to
  
  

• feeling the pressure of living in two worlds (that is, First Nation Peoples and non-Indigenous)
  
  

• feeling a loss of connection to family, community or country.

When does anger become a problem? Anger becomes a problem when it begins to affect a person’s daily life and causes them to react in ways that might hurt themselves and/or others around them.

Signs that anger might be a problem include: 

feeling angry a lot of the time at an intense and overwhelming level

 having trouble controlling anger

• feeling sad and distressed as a result of getting angry

• using alcohol and other drugs to manage anger

• feeling the need to use anger to get people to do something

• withdrawing from people or situations

• bottling things up rather than coping with them

• regretting the things you did or said when you were angry

expressing anger by saying or doing something aggressive or violent (e.g., shouting, swearing, throwing or hitting things).

Anger vs aggression

Anger can sometimes lead to people being aggressive or violent but they’re not the same. Anger is a feeling, but aggression and violence are actions, and it’s these actions that can lead to problems.

Anger can sometimes feel intense and overwhelming, but it doesn't necessarily lead to violent or aggressive behaviour.

How can I manage my anger?

Here are five steps you can take to manage your anger healthily.

A - Acknowledge your 'angry' triggers and signs

think about the things that regularly trigger your anger (like running late for school or being blamed for something you didn’t do). This might help you to avoid these things in future or react differently when they happen.

Know your 'angry signs'. These can be things like clenched fists or teeth, a tight feeling in your chest or your heart beating faster. If you recognise that you are starting to get angry, you’re better able to try and stop yourself from getting worked up

N - Neutralise the situation

When you’re angry, think about how your body feels. If you’re tense, take some long deep breaths and focus on your breathing. Also, try tensing and releasing some of your muscles.

Dealing with your body's reactions to anger can help to calm your emotions and find a better way of expressing them. You could try:

 

• Taking a break. You could walk away from a situation until you’ve calmed down – this will stop you from acting in a way that hurts you or someone else
  
  

• Reconnecting with the country. Connecting with nature can help to calm down the mind and body, and give you clarity in deciding how to respond to the situation.
  
  

• Using delay or distraction. Try counting slowly to 10 or doing something physical, like push-ups or bouncing a ball.
  
  

These strategies will take your mind off what is making you angry and can stop you from saying or doing something that you might regret. 

G - Get to the bottom of why you are feeling angry

Remind yourself that it’s okay for you to be angry and think about why you’re feeling this way. When you realise the real reason for your anger, it is much easier to work out solutions to it.

If you’re not sure why you’re angry, you could try asking yourself questions like:

 

• Did someone do or say something that upset me?
  
  

• Do I have other feelings right now that might affect the way I’m reacting, like being sad or embarrassed or feeling a loss of connection to my mob?
  
  

• Does the situation bring up bad memories?
  
  

Some people find it easier to write down or draw their answers to these questions.

E - Explore your solutions

Brainstorm some helpful ways to express and resolve your anger. It might help to ask yourself questions like:

 

• How can I explain the situation in a respectful way?

• How might other people feel about this situation?

• What do I want to happen now? Is this reasonable or do I need to think about a compromise? 

• Can I deal with this while being respectful to myself and others involved?

• R - Reach out to someone you trust

• Your family and friends, a teacher or coach, or your mob or Elders might have ideas about how you can manage your anger. Talking with them can be a great place to start.

• If you’re being harassed, bullied or discriminated against, some people can help. A counsellor, a welfare officer at your school or your GP (general practitioner) could help you manage what’s going on.

• If your anger continues without improvement, then talking to your GP or a mental health professional could help. They could teach skills, like relaxation and communication, to help you deal with anger in a healthy way

As human beings, we often react emotionally to some situation. One of these kinds of reactions of anger. Does Islam embrace or discourage it? Read on to see what the Q'uran says.

1. On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him): “A man said to the Prophet, ‘Give me advice.’ The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, ‘Do not get angry.’ The man asked repeatedly and the Prophet answered each time, ‘Do not get angry.’”

ن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه: قال رجل للنبي: نصحني ، فقال صلى الله عليه وسلم: لا تغضب ، فقال الرجل مراراً. فأجاب النبي في كل مرة: لا تغضب.

2. prophet Muhammad (saw) knew that if a person controlled his anger he would be able to control everything else. That is why the Prophet mentioned in another hadith: "The powerful man is not the one who can wrestle, but the powerful man is the one who can control himself at the time of anger."

3.“Those who spend (in Allah’s Cause) in prosperity and adversity, who repress their anger, and who pardon men, verily, Allah loves the al-Muhsinun (the good-doers).” (3:134).

4. The Prophet (saw) said, "I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: 'I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan' then all his anger will go away.

5. The Prophet of Allah said, "When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down."

6. The Prophet (saw) said, “If one of you becomes angry then he should stay silent.

7. The Prophet (saw) said, “Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created from fire, and the fire is extinguished only with water. So when one of you becomes angry, he should make wudu.”

8. “So whatever you have been given is but (a passing) enjoyment for this worldly life, but that which is with God (Paradise) is better and more lasting for those who believe and put their trust in their Lord.  And those who avoid the greater sins, and illegal sexual intercourse, and when they are angry, they forgive.” (Quran 42:36 & 37).

9. "And those who restrain (their) anger and pardon men. And Allah loves the doers of good (to others). And those who, when they commit an indecency or wrong their souls, remember Allah and ask forgiveness for their sins. And who forgives sins but Allah? And they persist not knowingly in what they do." (Ch. 3:133,134)

10. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “He who gave up disputing while he is right, a palace of high rank in Paradise will be built for him. He who gave up disputing while he is a fabricator, a palace in the centre of Paradise will be built for him.” (al-Tirmidhi who declared it as Hasan)